Shauna's Guide To Job Interviews (or "Why My Job Blows")

1. Use a normal email address. Don't use anything cutesy or annoying, like MyButtStinks@gmail.com (not a real address of an applicant). If you do, you're automatically put on the bottom of my list. Your e-mail address says a lot about who you think you are and I'm not hiring you if your butt stinks so badly that you want the whole world to know it.

2. Follow instructions. When I ask you to bring your resume with references to the interview, bring your resume. With references. Don't show up without your resume. You will not get the job.

3. Spell check your resume. If I see words like "experence," "wrok," or "universaty" on your resume, you will not get the job. (I'm guessing you didn't read the part of the ad that said "Attention to detail required.")

4. Use common sense. If you don't follow instructions (see #2) and thus drive into the wrong parking lot, don't call me from your cell phone and say, "You said I need to drive over the teeth, but that means I need to drive on the wrong side of the road and it
says 'Severe tire damage.' Should I still drive over the teeth?" No, don't drive over the teeth. Don't park your car. Just reverse your car and go home. The interview is over. (Yes, I know we didn't actually start the interview, but it is over. I already know you aren't getting the job.) If you do not have common sense, you won't get the job. (By the way, apparently you didn't see that above "severe tire damage", it said, 'Employee Parking ONLY.' Did you think you already had the job?)

5. If you choose to use 'big words' and 'proper terminology', please be sure you actually know what it means or you'll use it wrong, look like an ass, and not get the job.

6. Also, if you choose to use 'big words' and 'proper terminology' know how to pronounce them correctly.

7. Allow enough time for your interview. Don't let the first thing out of your mouth be "I only have 10 minutes for the interview." This shows you are not organized and not a team player (Hello! I organized my schedule around yours to fit the time that worked 'really well' for you!). You will not get the job.

8. Be sure you can meet the requirements of the job as posted. If the job is 20 hours a week and you can only "spare" 6, you won't get the position. Don't waste my time and yours.

9. Show up for your interview. When you tell me the 'only' time you can make the interview is in three weeks - a week after I would like to finish interviews - and I agree to schedule your interview for the time you are requesting, have the decency to show up. And when I call you to make sure you weren't (oh, I don't know) hit by a truck on the way to the interview, don't shrug me off and say, "Oh, was that today? I forgot. Can we reschedule?" The answer is NO, bitch.

10. The professional community is tight. If you screw me and I hear you're applying for another position somewhere else now (or in the future), and I know who is doing the hiring, I'll be sure to call my friend and tell them about what you did - and vice versa. Because I don't want to be in a profession known for its idiots.