A Dena Story Without Dena

The other day, Luke (my nephew) was sassing his father, Matt (Gavin's brother). Matt told Luke not to talk to him in that way. Luke's response? "But Mommy does."

I have no words - and that doesn't happen very often.

Go Me!

You know what feels good? Feeling bloated, putting on your fatpants and realizing they are too big.

Go me!

(Yes, I am fully aware that I shouldn't obsess about my weight because of my most recent bout with my eating disorder. But, the good news is that my weight over the past two months has stabilized - which is just another reason I can say I *am* on my way to getting better!)

Christmas In July

These people must take Christmas really seriously if they are throwing out their Christmas tree in July. Talk about tacky!

Easter Eggs

For the next few minutes, please humor me and pretend that Easter was yesterday, okay? Imagine the spring weather, bright sunshine, Easter Sunday service, an Easter egg hunt. And Dena.

This year, Dena (my sister-in-law) hosted our family Easter lunch/egg hunt. And since it was at her house, she invited her family (including her creepy father).

The night before Easter, Dena frantically called and told me to bring a dozen eggs to dye. "Whatever you dye, you take home," she said. Three times. She also insisted that the eggs be raw "I'll boil them because they dye better when they are warm." And I obeyed (mostly because I didn't want to run to the store at 9:30pm and then boil the eggs).

When it was time to dye the eggs, Dena calls the (ten!) kids to the table and barks at the parents "if you don't watch your kid, no one will." Fair enough (but of course she has to say it in her bitchy Dena-way). She puts out a dozen eggs and the (ten!) kids dig in. Dena's niece grabs an egg and immediately drops it. Her mother yells at her for cracking the egg and the little girl cries because "the egg is hot!" In the meantime, Nicholas does the same, as does Luke (Dena's son, who isn't being watched by anyone and dropped his egg in the dye and now has red dye all over his Sunday-best white pants because no one had the foresight to change him out of his white pants before coloring eggs. (Okay, I did. But I was busy watching my kids because no one else would.)).

I reach over and touch the eggs and they are hot. (Not warm. HOT.) Dumb Dena just boiled the eggs and didn't let them cool before giving them to (ten!) kids under the age of six!

"Dena! Can you bring more eggs?" I call into the house. Dena comes out of the house with a WTF look on her face. I say, "We need more eggs. A couple were dropped and the kids have pretty much dyed all the eggs you brought out." "We don't have any more eggs," she says slowly (you know, because I'm the fucktard).

Apparently Dena (the brilliant woman that she is *snort*) didn't ask anyone else to bring eggs so there was only a dozen (that's 12, for you non-math majors) eggs. For 10 kids.

I won't get into the crying that happened when the (ten!) kids realized there were no more eggs. And I won't get into the yelling that happened when Dena discovered Luke's stained white pants. And I won't get into the fact that I still ended up taking home a dozen, cracked, dyed eggs.

Did I mention that I don't even like eggs? (Now, I hate eggs even more.)

(You can now stop pretending it's Easter and realize that tomorrow is the 4th of July. Happy 4th, everyone! Go forth and enjoy your right to a Dena-free weekend!)

The Sexual Harassment Lawsuit

It's been a long time since I've been around; I've been wrapped up with a sexual harassment lawsuit with my (now former) boss and wasn't able to blog about it while it was going on. And I just didn't feel like blogging about other things.

The good news is that is it finally O.V.E.R.

Now, you know I'm too proud a blogger to say "I've been wrapped up with a lawsuit that consumed my life" and not tell you what happened. So here goes...

At the beginning of the year, I switched projects (and bosses) which took me away from the computer.

There were a lot of things I liked about thew new job. But there was only one thing I didn't like about it: my boss. A few reasons why: He said the time I spent commuting to the communities I would never have gone to if I didn't have the job was NOT considered work time and he didn't want to reimburse me for gas (which, incidentally, is a company-wide policy). He is a micromanager and needed to know where I was every minute of the day. (Can you say control issues?). He liked to stare at my breasts. He talked about his 'relationship' with his mistress (yes, he's having an affair).

"The Incident" (as it would be called. Gotta love lawyer-speak. *snort*)
I was scheduled to present at a conference in the spring. My boss told me he couldn't afford for me to stay in a hotel because the airfare maxed out the budget (thanks to the increase in airfares).

I told him I would pay for the hotel out of my own pocket. He wouldn't allow me to do that as he was afraid the fiscal office wouldn't like that I paid for my own room but the grant was paying for his room. So I told him I would pay for my hotel but tell the fiscal office I was staying with a friend and did not incur any hotel costs.

And that's when it happened.... He said if I was to go on the trip, I couldn't have my own room (paid for by me) but that I would "just have to stay in his room where he had a king sized bed."


I immediately reported "the incident" which started "the investigation."

And it began. Lots of closed doors. Lots of whispering. Lots of people getting called in to speak behind closed doors. Lots of whispering. Lots of pointing. Lots of whispering. Lots of silence as I entered rooms and yet lots of whispering. I was alienated by colleagues and people I once considered friends. And there was a lot of whispering.

Then came the depression. Depression which sparked my eating disorder (which I had kicked for 17 years and 4 months). The wounds opened. The previously healed wounds of having been sexually abused as a child and teen.

And that affected my marriage.

It didn't take long before I was in a tailspin. My weight fluctuated in both directions - first, I gained weight. Then, I (not so slowly) made myself a skeleton. I wanted to disappear.

Gavin put me in an eating disorder day treatment program and I got myself physically healthy, worked on my mental issues, rediscovered my inner strength and dealt with "the incident" and "the consequences."

As for "the incident," "the investigation" and the "it's not really a lawsuit" lawsuit... There were lots of meetings, lots of closed doors and lots of tears. In the end, it was settled out of court with a monetary settlement to cover my medical expenses and "emotional suffering." I was moved back to my old division where a new position (with my old boss) was created for me. I was given one week of "not vacation but paid time off" and I start the new position next week.

And although I haven't made this public, I am looking for a new job. Probably in a new line of work. Although I like what I'm doing (and I'm damn good at it, too!) the professional community is small and everyone I encounter has heard some mangled version of what didn't actually happened and I need to know what my options are to keep myself happy professionally.

Despite all this, my kids are okay. In fact, my kids are great. They (and Gavin) were my saviors. If I didn't have them, I am sure it would have taken me much longer to get through this. MUCH longer. Their innocence and complete love was exactly what I needed to feel safe. I would hold that in my heart in times of utter despair and "being lost." In fact, I still do. And without Gavin's strength and love, I may have starved myself too death.

But you know what? Now, I am fine. I am healthy. I am ME.

(And I'm back to the blogging world. Boy, do I have a lot to tell you. First up: A Dena story!)

Sweet Memories

The other day was the 10th anniversary of Gavin's grandmother's passing. Gavin was very close to Grandma and I've always joked that Grandma was his first love. He was wildly protective of her and would buy flowers for her on Valentine's Day. (For the record, he bought me flowers, too. But after Grandma died, Gavin didn't buy flowers for me for several years. I think it pained him to not buy flowers for Grandma, too.)

But, I digress...

On the day of the anniversary, we took the kids to the cemetery to place flowers for Grandma. Then we took them home and pointed to all the pictures of her we have hanging in our house.

Last night, as I was drifting off to sleep, I started laughing. Gavin thought I lost my mind. But I didn't. I just had a memory flash of Grandma - one of my fondest. This morning, I woke in the best mood and I like to think it's because Grandma was with me while I was in such a peaceful state.

Here's the memory... (Maybe you'll find it as cute as I do.)

Years before she died, when we adopted a cat for Grandma and had the cat fixed. This is the conversation Gavin had with her about fixing the cat.

Gavin - Grandma, we're gonna get your cat spayed, okay?
Grandma - Why?
Gavin - So she won't have babies .
Grandma - They can do that?
Gavin - Yeah. Pretty cool, huh?
Grandma - And they're just gonna spray her? Wow. The things they can do nowadays.

Gavin and I tried our best not to burst into laughter (I'm not sure we did a very good job) and to this day, we still giggle about it. Grandma never did understand why the cat had to spend the night at the vet because "she just got sprayed" but she was happy the cat never had kittens.

Here's a picture of Grandma's beloved Bobbie.

The Bad, The Good & The Ugly

The bad: I got the stomach flu while Gavin is out of town. (FYI - Few things suck more than being a 'single parent' with the stomach flu.)

The good: The kids didn't get the stomach flu (well, still crossing my fingers and hoping I didn't just jinx myself) and I lost 9 pounds in 5 days.

The ugly: When you lose so much weight so quickly and have already had two kids (and your skin is all stretched out), you can pull your skin about 2 inches away from your body.

My Life Is A Joke

Gavin's cousin got married this weekend and Gavin's jazz combo played at the reception. And let me tell you... the singer of the jazz combo is gorgeous - by this I mean she is the most beautiful person I've ever seen in real life.

But anyway... at one point in the evening, the combo took a break and Gavin was chatting with Matt (his brother). In the meantime, Jenn (the singer) and I chatted - she wanted to know about Gavin's family and I pointed out Gavin's parents, Matt and Dena (Matt's wife).

Jenn noticed Matt was carrying his daughter, Jolie. I saw the look in her eyes and knew she wanted to carry Jolie (Jenn loves babies and especially lurves to carry them), so I asked her if she wanted to carry Jolie. Jenn said she would love to carry Jolie, if it was okay with Matt and Dena. Since Matt and Dena have always allowed Jolie to be carried by anyone (even as a newborn in the hospital, they insisted everyone carry her when they visited), I knew it wouldn't be a problem.

I said, "Matt, Auntie Jenn wants to carry Jolie." Matt came over and handed Jolie to Jenn. Jenn cooed at Jolie and Jolie laughed.

Not 30 seconds later, Dena came around, hit Matt, Matt took Jolie out of Jenn's arms, Dena took Jolie away from Matt and walked away, obviously upset.

Jenn felt awful. She didn't mean to upset Dena by carrying Jolie.

So I told her, "Don't feel bad. But if you think about it, it's pretty hilarious. In fact, this is the first time I've ever had a joke come to life in front of me."

What joke you ask?

This joke.

A man approached a beautiful woman in supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere."

Shauna, Where The Hell You Been?*

My posts here have been scant, at best. And some of you have noticed and sent me e-mails asking if I'm okay (thanks for the concern!!!).

Yes, I'm okay.

But my life has been turned around. See, my salary is paid by soft money - government grant money, to be specific. And grants in my field are becoming increasingly harder to obtain, which makes my job less stable since I usually go grant-to-grant. The good thing is even though I usually go grant-to-grant, my job duties largely remain the same.

But this time, a grant that we were all counting on getting didn't come through in time (we'll get it, but just not when we expected) and so it was either: let Shauna go until the grant comes in or find another grant for Shauna to work on. And since Gavin and I didn't want to lose my income for an unspecified amount of time, I opted for the latter.

So in November, I started working on a different grant. But this time, my job duties are totally different. I'm doing a lot of outreach in the communities which means presentations, corporate business attire, and lots of driving. Which means much less time to blog and shop online in the office.

So, as the family adjusts to my new schedule and I get used to my new boss (more on that later), posting will be sparse. But, e-mail me anytime. (ShaunaLovesChocolate at gmail dot com)

*actual quote from an e-mail from a reader.

8 Things...

Zoe (the daughter of Colleen from A Madison Mom) wants to know 8 things about Nicholas and Elise...

1. Nicholas and Elise had the same due date (in different years). (Apparently I get pregnant best in November.)
2. They were both born 4 weeks early. Their birthdays are one day apart.
3. They are both named after family members.
4. Nicholas is a picky eater who doesn't sleep well. But he's big for his age. Elise is not a picky eater (at most meals, Elise out-eats him.) and she sleeps A LOT. But she's very small for her age.
5. Elise is a feminine little thing, but she can take a hit! When Nicholas hits her (or runs into her), she bounces right back up without crying. Sometimes, she'll go up to him, tackle him and pull him down. She's no pushover! (When Elise was 7 months old, Gavin caught the kids wrestling - complete with rolling over each other on the floor.)
6. Elise has a musical ear. She can mimic sounds, notes and rhythms the first time she hears them. Nicholas has a tin ear. He can't distinguish one note from another and doesn't recognize different rhythms without it being repeated over and over and over and over and over. And over.
7. They gave each other their nicknames. Elise calls Nicholas "Niko" and Nicholas calls Elise "Leecy." Those names have stuck and we often call them by those names, too!
8. When you ask each of them, they both want another sibling. I'm thinking this might be Gavin's doing. (He wants more kids. I don't.)

I'm not going to tag anyone for this, but if you want to do it, go ahead! And let me know because I'd love to read it!